WHAT IS FAILURE?

"It takes a village to raise a child." The statement feels true. It feels like that is how children are raised, by concerted efforts of a tight community of people whose lives necessarily depend on each other. The truth is, however, in our modern world most of us don't live in villages. We live in cities among many strangers, most of whom we will never develop meaningful relationships with. How do we make sense of this? Perhaps our culture makes us see the world in the language of villages. I don't know what the answer is.

What I do know, however, is that there can be so much joy in raising a child. In raising them to become good citizens and in teaching them our values in which we find meaning and contentment in life, there can be so much joy. I want you to believe it. I want you to take a part in it.

My message to the 15 year old that has dropped out of school:

"I don't know who you are, where you live, what your story is or what you have been through. What I do know, however, is that things can be really tough after dropping out from high school. There can be a lot of shame; the voice in your head says "I am a failure. I am disappointing. I am bad." There can be a lot of fear. "What do I do now? Do I have a future? Does my life just end here?" 

Truth be told, I too have dropped out from high school once when I was 15. At that time, I did not know how to articulate these feelings this much clearly because it would have been too painful to do so. I dropped out because I hated school. At that time, I was also unhappy with my family. There were many things that made me unhappy and I just wanted to run away from home, from everything. 

But after several months, I went back to school. I finished high school, then college, and now I am a graduate student at one of the world's most renowned school, Harvard University. I am content with my life and feel that I have a lot to look forward to in the future. 

What happened? It is hard to say, as there was no single defining moment that made me as hardworking and passionate as I am now about my education and life. Nevertheless, this much I can say about ideas that guide me on daily basis: At the end of the day, it is you who own your life. You make the decision to have the courage to show up and cultivate the strength to deal with life's numerous, endless difficulties. It is you, no one else--not your parents, your friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, etc.--but you who must decide for yourself how you want to shape your future. This is not to say that you must do everything by yourself. It takes courage and strength to seek help and rely on other people to overcome obstacles of your life and solve problems. Most importantly, however, it also takes courage and strength to exercise self-compassion--i.e., forgiving yourself for your shortcomings and being kind to yourself. I may sound too abstract, but these ideas changed my life. No, they saved my life.

I cannot tell you whether you should do this or that. These advices would have limited use. But I believe those words above will be a great guide to what lies ahead, not just for the next few years but for the entirety of your life. Don't let your temporary set-back define you. Have courage and strength to understand and overcome your problems that you are dealing with now--be it school, friends, etc.  Then discover your passion and dreams and pursue them with all your heart. And don't forget to exercise self-compassion and to forgive yourself for your shortcomings. Because at the end of the day, as human beings, our lives, our loves, our dreams, our relationships can only be what they are--imperfect. 

I wish you all the best." 

Best,

Jae

Jae, Harvard University 

When I was that 15 year old, I dropped out of school. - My parents handled the situation quite well I think. They were disappointed for sure, but also respected my choice. We had many long conversations about why exactly I wanted to leave high school, and they wanted to be sure I was not just being lazy or into a bad scene. They issued an ultimatum - if I drop out of high school, I had to either get a full-time job and work, or study to get into college. I chose to work, and spent a year working at various restaurants, before flying to another country (Brazil) to live with a family friend for about 6 months. My parents see travel as an important part of growth. When I got back, I wanted to continue working, but my parents convinced me to try college.

Sorry for the ramble, but my advice to the parent would be to do what my parents did. Talk to their child about the decision. Try to figure out what is causing the problems at school that are leading him/her to drop out. Could it be fixed by relocating to a new school? Will the problems still be there after he/she leaves?

I also think it is good to respect the child's decision, but be firm with the consequences. If you are done with high school that either means you are moving onto college, or you are ready to be an 'adult' and fend for yourself. When I was working, my parents did not charge me rent, but they did have me pitch in to buy groceries as a way of easing me into the 'real world'.

Hope this is helpful.

Alek, Harvard University